Coping with the unfairness in life

A very common phrase which you will undoubtedly have heard a million times is: "Life isn't fair". So you shouldn't be surprised when things don't happen the way you plan, when people abuse of your generosity or when people hurt you, because you learn to accept that life is a bitch, it is tough, and you definitely will end suffering at the hands of others someday.

Some people aim to live a life without hassle, without any unnecessary drama but this is more difficult than they expect.  You can decide not to get into discussions with their friends and so when decisions need to be taken, they may offer their opinion but they do not say anything when their opinion is discarded in favour of their friends opinion, prefering to keep their retorts to themselves, prefering not to show that it hurts when they're always put in second place.  But how long can you live like this? How long are you ready to keep these relationships? How long can you laugh pretending everything is fine?  How long can you keep your feelings and thoughts locked inside you?  How long can you go on lying about how you feel wishing someone would just notice that you're not ok? How long can you go on living in the fear that you're alone and non important because no one seems to be able to understand your pain, no one is ready to make sacrifices for you as if your not worth the trouble, or you don't deserve their compassion, their time or their help?

I hate it when friends say "Oh call me if you need anything or want to hangout" and you call/msg but you never hear from them until they need something from you.  Doesn't friendship stand for a place when one can share, help and find solace when it is needed anymore?  Has it changed to a place where people used one another without caring how the others feel, or without ever questioning how your behaviour affects others? Has friendship became synonym with fake, empty words and unkept promises?   Everyone says that when you give something to others you shouldn't expect anything in return, which is a true and valid reasoning when one for example does voluntary work.  But how much is this valid for friendship?  Sure when you help your friends, when you're there when they need you, you don't expect anything in return? But it sure hurts when no one gives you something back, when you don't find them when you really need a shoulder to cry on.  It makes you really wonder how much share and share alike actually happen.  Don't you hate being labelled as egoistic only because you seek respect from the people you love?

Life is definitely difficult, and it most certainly isn't and will never be fair.  Sometimes, in order to cope with life, some people immerse themselves in an imaginary world where they're the best and nothing can hurt them. Sometimes the feeling of depression and loneliness seems too hard to handle, but suicide should not be an option.  Remember that in whichever shitty situation you are in there are others who most definitely face the same situation you face, there are others that have been there before you and there are others who will face the same things after you.  Putting it simply, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  

You should have faith in yourself and you need to remember that nobody will love you, respect you or accept you unless first you love, respect and accept yourself.  You shouldn't be afraid to take a step forward, put down your feet and say something when you don't agree or when something hurts you.  You should try to avoid complicating friendships because they don't do much in aiding your situation or in making you feel better.  They will just complicate your life even more, making it easier for you to get hurt.  I know it's not easy, it takes time and experience, but you need to figure out, what kind of person you are, what you like and what are the principles you live with, and stick with them.  Surround yourself with people who respect you, who are there when you need them.  Build relationships based on trust and honesty.  People are different and its very difficult to find people with whom you will agree on everything.  The most important thing is that you are with people with whom you can discuss things, were you are welcome to share your opinion, and with whom you can reason things out.

Life is difficult enough as it is, let's not complicate it even further.  With a little bit more sensibility we could all make each others life so much simpler.  Life is made of opposites, so lets try to give as much as we take. Only this way can we hope for a little less unfairness in life.

The weight of the Example

In Maltese we have a saying: "L-Ezempju jkaxkar" which means that what we do, the way we behave will be reflected in the behaviour of others especially those near us.  A clear example is the case of children.  Children learn how to behave by imitating the behaviour they see, they learn to speak by repeating the words they hear.  Needless to say this will take place both when the behaviour is or is not appropriate. Unfortunately, the spreading of bad behaviour is likely to occur much more quickly.

Yesterday night I was watching "American History X" which depicted a clear example of how one only needs a single person to help them change their mind, a single person suffice to help you see things differently.  I don't want to ruin the film for anyone who hasn't watched it yet.  I will only say one thing, it deals with the issue of racism.  Just go see it I'm sure you'll enjoy it.  Why I am mentioning this you might ask? Simply because as portrayed by the film, ONE PERSON CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE, and each one of us can easily be the person that makes that difference.  We can be the people that help others move forward by building bridges, showing them that if we understand one another things will be better.  "Hate is baggage. Life is too short to be pissed off all the time.  It's just not worth it."  Abraham Lincoln once said: "We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."

We've always seen how when a country faces some kind of natural disaster, like the earthquake today in New Zealand, other countries try to help in whichever means they can.  It starts with one country and then others follow suite, all willing to give that something that can help in that moment of need.  These last couple of weeks has seen Arabic country after Arabic country rising up demanding more human and civil rights.  It started from one person, one country and it soon flared up, inspiring others.  Now we have to be cautious.  Talks should take place and people should listen to each other and engage in conversations and dialogue rather than use force trying to silence people who do not agree with what we're saying.  The way forward is through civilized dialogue.  Remember it takes only one person to set the example and others will follow suite. So lets make sure that the example people follow is a peaceful one so that we avoid unnecessary trouble and unnecessary deaths.

A view from a window

Here I always was, peeping, although I knew it was prohibited.  Everyday I came, sun, wind, rain or hail. Ten o'clock sharp, I never missed a day, alone and peeping, wishing I was out there.

I wish I was  sick that day so those brutes would have kept me in bed.  Tied if it was necessary, but they wouldn't have let me out of that damn bed, my prison since twenty and my coffin when I'll die.

As always I went looking at that blessed garden, wishing that for a moment I'd be there, walking through the rows of white roses.  Always wishing that I was home doing the same thing in my parents' garden.  But no, here I was stuck in this damn hole.  All because of that damn Paul, who after he had what he wanted from me, killed himself taking my mind to the grave with him.

That day the elements had united together.  The garden was a sadness to look at and I was going to return to my room when something caught my eyes.  It was professor Greenbottle, my doctor and walking beside him was Louise, my roommate.  I always suspected that the doctor had a soft spot for Louise but I never realised it was mutual.  They stopped and looked at each other.  He made a step forward and kissed her.  She moved back, startled and surprised.  He caught her arm and pulled her towards him.  He started to undress her, with fury and rage, tearing the clothes apart. She tried to fight him back but she hadn't the strength.  After he raped her he got up and looked around.  I ducked down afraid he would see.  After he assured himself that no one had witnessed the obscenity of what he had just done, he got out a gun.  Louise was on the soil trembling trying fruitlessly to cover herself with her hands.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  What was he going to do, surely not kill himself?  But of course not, after all he wasn't Paul the loser. He had had what he wanted and it was time to eliminate the evidence.  Nothing will be left to jeopardise his lovely career. He pointed the gun to her head and shot her.   Hands firm on the gun. No hesitations.  My blood ran cold.  He picked up the body and stealthily moved to the lake.  He dumped her there like she was a bag full of rotten potatoes.  He arranged his clothes, got rid of the gun and began his retreat to the hospital.  I set up and walked slowly to my room.

A quarter of an hour later, the doctor came to my room.  I sat quietly trying hard to act normal, hoping that he doesn't realize that I had seen it all.  But I suspected he knew. From that day onwards his attitude towards me changed.  I was always on the alert, always on the look out, afraid that I would be next.  I became drawn, closed in my own circle.  Nobody could be trusted.  People asked about Louise.  Rumours were spread.  People believed she had escaped.

I never summoned enough courage to relate what I had seen.  But anyway, who would have ever believed the words of a mad woman.  The window was my only connection to reality and the life I had left behind.  Now it was tainted, dirtied with blood.  It was never again the lovely garden of my dreams. 

men and women

Have you ever wondered why women are so beautiful when they are young and why men become more handsome as the years go by?  Well unfortunately for us women, I think the answer is all set in biology and the famous biological clock.  You see the way I see it, up until menopause, women are deemed by nature as indispensable, and thus, it equips them with the beauty necessary to attract the male and procreate.  However, with menopause, nature sees women as no longer so important in the evolution of life and thus, it robes them away from the powers given to allure men to them, making men, who in the meantime have grown more handsome and attractable, to be attracted to the younger women who are still young and able to procreate (because otherwise, lets face it, they'll have no chance in hell of getting a young women unless they're rich and the women are in for the money).  This makes it easier for humanity to survive, and for the human race not to extinct.  Let me just say this....LIFE IS DEFINITELY A BITCH....No wonder women spend so much time and money on creams, cosmetics and cosmetic surgery.  They're ready to do anything to keep looking young and attractive.

Being thyself

Being oneself is the hardest thing to do.  It involves a lot of energy and time.  First you have to search within yourself to discover who you are, what you believe and what you want.  Than you need to accept yourself with all your good and negative characteristics, because they are both part of who you are.  Afterwards you need to pluck up the courage and face the world, show the people around you who you are, what you think and what you want, hoping against hope that they accept you for who you are and not be too much judgmental.

But this is never easy.  Unfortunately a lot of times people go through life living as someone else.  This happens either because they too shallow and find it easier to live a superficial life, living in the shadow's of someone else's life, where no battles and searches are necessary to find about who you are and living as such.  Or else, sometimes, others are simply afraid to share themselves with others because they fear that they will not be accepted, or that they will be persecuted and bullied.  And so, they chose the easy way out.  They chose to pretend to be someone they are not, living their lives negating who they are, hiding their feelings, their thoughts and believing that all the lies and deceit ultimately makes their lives better or at least more bearable.

But is this kind of life worth living?  Should we live our lives in the shadows, hiding in the dark corners, afraid of what people might do, of what people might say if they discover who I really am, what I really think?  Life is not easy, that's a known fact.  But isn't it a crime against ourselves, when we decide to live life as someone we're not?  Don't we live better with ourselves if we accept who we are and live life the way we deem fit?  Don't we appreciate more the complements we receive when they reflect our true us, our true achievements, our true thoughts, our true believes?  After all, what's the most important thing in our lives?  Shouldn't being ourselves be it?  We have to remember that for every person that doesn't accept us there may be another who does.  Because, after all, we don't need to have the whole world behind us, supporting us and cheering on use.  In life we only need just one person, that one person who is always there no matter what, that one person who stands up for us and protect us from harms way.

Bullying is tough, sometimes, unfortunately it can result in the death of a person.  However, people need to understand that bullying is the result of ignorance.  Some people use bullying to empower themselves, believing that by taking it out on other "more vulnerable" people they will feel better about themselves.  These people may be physically weaker than the bullies but at the end of the day they are actually more courageous, people who have the balls to show their true selves and live in the light, away from the biding chains of lies and deceit.

Through out the years people were always shunned upon for being different.  NON CONFORMISTS were seen as deviants.  Blacks, Gays, Catholics, Jews, Muslims all suffered persecution at one time or another, but none of them gave up being themselves.  It was never easy.  They suffered but held strong, hoping that someday people will learn to accept them for who they are.  I think that this applies for everyone.  It is the philosophy on which we should all live.  It's about time that people realize that we are all different and that these differences do not lie only in our physical appearances.  People should have the courage to highlight the differences that makes them unique.

By all this I am not suggesting that people should take more than they can chew.  Caution is important as well.  However, the point I'm trying to make here is that people shouldn't hide behind caution and fear as an excuse to hide and forget who they are.  As we say in Maltese "Nobody cleans your face to make you look better then them".  So, ultimately, it is up to each and everyone of us to stand up for ourselves and protect who we are.  It would also help if we learn to be less judgmental and more acceptant, digging deeper and giving people the opportunity to express what they are really made of.

Memories

These last couple of days I've been in this spring cleaning mode, because I finally realized that I've got no space anymore and that some things just have to go.  I don't know if any of you have ever come to realize how many "rubbish" you accumulate in the years.  I say "rubbish" because at the end of the day they are things that one never uses or even looks at, but somehow never gets to throw them away.

However, there comes a time, when one fine day, you realize how much your room is clattered with things that you don't use or that you simply do not have enough space for the things you buy on a daily basis.  So, you find yourself forced to start going through your things and throw away the things which are no longer of use.  Although this sounds a simple enough task, I assure you it's anything but easy.  

If anyone is asking why, the answer is simple - MEMORIES.  And here my story begins.  While going through the cupboards and drawers in my room I rediscovered things which have long been forgotten.  Memories from my primary year days came flooding back to me, thanks to letters, cards and postcards written to me by my friends at the time and essays written at the age of 8.  I found a poem which we had presented on stage when we were in year 2.  This made me remember of how all these years ago, I had overheard teachers laughing at my doll's unruly hair and how I had rushed to the bathroom after school to give her a hair wash and strengthen her hair,  I was all for nothing, the fake hair of the doll wanted nothing but to stand upright.  Surprisingly enough, I didn't take another doll the following day.  I guess, my small self just wanted to stand right besides the small doll and not judge her for her imperfections.

More recent memories were also jogged by the discovery of floppy disk.  I hadn't seen one in years, literally and I was quite said that I couldn't insert it in my laptop to discover the secrets that lie within.  I found school booklets, which I had kept for years because they mentioned my name.  Somehow, having my name published, printed black on white, made me feel special.  I was never much of a nerd.  Studying was nothing something I liked doing.  On the contrary, till the age of 17, I considered the act of studying as hindering my possibilities of obtaining a good result.  This was because the few times I decided to study a particular subject
I always did poorly.  However, seeing my name written down in the list of prize winners was never seen as a nerdy act but as a means of proving people wrong, of showing everyone that despite everything I went through I was still able to achieve "greatness".

At the end of the two days of intense cleaning I did manage to throw away a lot of things, giving myself a little bit of space which was filled in in a matter of seconds,  However, I could not bring myself to throw away those things which had made me relive all those memories.  These will be stored once more so that in a few years time, when I will once more find myself in dire need to clean up my room, I will once again come across them and I will stop myself to read each one of them and relive once more the days of my youth.

what's the worst thing that can to someone who just went for the first car lesson???? HAVE AN ACCIDENT

I would have never imagined in a million years that I would start my very first every blog post with such an topic, but here we are....At the age of 24 I finally starting feel the need to learn how to drive.  For the last couple of months I've been telling myself that I needed to start learning.  Everyone my age have been driving for quite a few years now and so I figured, it's time.  It's something I needed to do to gain more independence, to be more mobile and to finally immerse myself in the social world of the drivers.  I've never really been attracted to driving, because lets face it someone who can't even control a car driven by a joystick, what chances did she have to be able to control a whole vehicle.  When I turned 18 and I was finally legally allowed to drive, I simply didn't have the money to go take driving lessons, buy a car, pay insurance, pay the fuel and any other expenses related to cars and maintaining them.  And anyway I was always sacred of the idea of having some mechanical breakdown, even a simple flat tire, which I was in no way prepared to solve.  So the years went buy.  When I finally starting earning some more, I always thought that money which I had worked so much to earn, was better spent on other things.  Travelling was always my passion, so I went on in life believing that the public transport will suffice.  

However, time went by so far that I soon found myself 24 and still without any clues as to how to drive.  So, finally last week I plucked up the courage and contacted my friends driver instructor.  He's been recommended to be by quite a few people so I felt safer.  I was still scared out of my wits but I was slowly seeing myself going to that first lesson, master the basics and conquer the road.  I know I was letting my imagination reign free but this helped me to gain some courage and to look forward to my first ever driving lesson.

And today, it was finally the day.  I was all day encouraged by Chantelle, Federica and Valentina.  They were so proud of me, so proud that I finally was making this important step.  They were all telling me not to worry, that the first lesson although being a little frightening, didn't require me to make much.  So, four pm came.  I finished work and headed out waiting for the driver to come, and come he did.  I got in the car.  The car seat was pulled in so much that I felt claustrophobic.  I arranged the seat and listened to the instructor, trying to memorize what he was saying.  As my friends had told me, all I was in charge of today was the WHEEL, not that it made my task any easier but anyway.  I grasped it firmly in my hands and off we went.  

Unfortunately, my joy at finally being in charge of a car did not last long.  10 minutes into my driving lesson, on a crowded main road, my instructor who was in charge of the gas and break paddle crashed into the car in front of us.  I, who had never been involved in a car accident before had to be in one on my very first driving lesson. Just my luck.  Thank God it wasn't something very serious.  A bumper to bumper it's called, which caused enough damage to require a mechanic.  And then there was me.  To say the least, I was in shock, I wanted to vomit and I injured a bit my knee and my neck.  After that I just phased out.  I was "driving" but my mind was not really registering what I was doing.  I stopped hearing what the instructor was saying and I'm sure as hell won't ever remember the road regulations he was telling me about.  I kept thinking....IS THIS A SIGN...IS SOMEONE TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I BETTER GIVE UP...OR WAS SOMEONE TELLING ME THAT NOW THAT THE WORSE THING HAPPENED, THINGS COULD ONLY GET BETTER.

Well, following this New year's resolution, BRING CHANGE, I decided to chose the second option...so, next week I'm going to be back on the road, hoping against hope that nothing like this ever happens again.  What can I say...WISH ME LUCK!!!!

UPDATE:
Glad to say that I've just finished my second lesson and no accidents happened.  Was relaxed and could even make whole conversations with the instructor....I'm happy I was so more relaxed....
As a side note: I almost killed a pigeon in Hamrun, thank god it flew away in time...me and my instructor started laughing. I told him, if I had killed him I wouldn't have driven ever again....he said, believe me I would have told you to do the same thing....But it didn't happen, and will be back in the time again next week :D