Not Knowing

What does it feel like to reach the age of 24 and still not knowing what to do with your life? I mean, I’m not unemployed. I have a job that pays well and everything.  Sure it is just a contract with an expiration date, but still I know that it will give me a lot of good opportunities in the future.  But what am I looking for? What exactly are these opportunities? What do I want to do?  The simple answer is: I’VE NO IDEA.  We keep getting in these conversations at work about the future and every time they ask me what my plans are, I simply cannot answer.  With all the education I have and the long years spent at school I still cannot answer these questions.

All around me I see people living according to some sort of a plan. They met someone between the ages of 17 and 19.  They finished university. They found a job. And now they are getting their engagements, buying their houses, planning their weddings. I don’t know if they are happy or anything but they seem to have figured out what to do with their lives, something I clearly haven’t yet.

 

Life has never been easy for me.  Up until recently, after I spent a year studying in England, I come back home to find that I had lost most of the people close to me.  As they say time changes people, or well, it has definitely changed me.  I came back different, expecting different things from people, believing that I deserved better.  So changes where inevitable.  However, this still meant depressing moments and a long time alone, having hardly anyone around.  Then, I found this job.  I was vibrant, excited, full of ideas, full of visions of the future.  Things even started going better with other people, had more friends around, felt less lonely.  But now I am lost again.  It’s just that I cannot figure out where to go from here.  What to do?  What I want?

I know life isn’t easy and that nothing is ever easy.  But I just wish that somewhere a candle is lit up to clear away the darkness, to show me the way, the path I need to follow in order to achieve what “I am meant to” achieve.  Life is our biggest teacher.  We learn from our experiences.  We learn who we are, what we are capable of doing and sometimes even how to go about doing things.  I just wish that I am given the possibility to really find out what I want to do in life, where I am heading.  At least, if I know this, I’m sure I’ll be able to find a way to achieve this.  I’m tired of not knowing where I’m heading.  I’m tired of feeling so lost all the time.  I just want some answers for once.
  

In Plato’s Republic, he saw people as having a pre-destined role, having people born to be leaders, others soldiers and others manual workers.  First time I read the book I thought the idea was simply hideous because everyone should be free to do what they please and that no one should be tagged and labelled before they were even given the possibility to show what they are capable of doing.  However, at this point in time, I envy the citizens in Plato’s Republic.  They were born knowing what to do, easy enough right?  I know I’m babbling about people who never even existed apart from in Plato’s find, all I want is some answers, some clues, some directions that can guide me to my next move, showing me what I should do and where to go from there.  Don’t think that’s asking too much is it?