I can

It is becoming common and common for me to be forced to things on my own, you know like travelling alone, attending functions (weddings etc) alone.  I have to admit that I don't like it one bit but I'm happy to say that I am managing to do them.  It's kind of difficult at first. Just the idea that I have to do something, ones more, on my own, well it's kind of depressing.  But then, at the end of the day, when I manage to do these things successfully, I can't help but being proud of myself.  It is just a confirmation of what I am capable of if I don't give up.  I know this may sound as stupid for some, because let's face it, it is not like I am saving someone's life.  BUT, still, for me, this is like a small victory for me every time I manage to do something on my own.

  

me and Tony

Every time I am faced with these kind of things, like a wedding reception, like the one I had to attend yesterday and ended up going alone, get me thinking.  I can't say I am the sociabilest person that exist but I'm not unsociable either.  I'm friendly, I know how to have fun and I love being in the company of others. So, when these things occur, I end up thinking...thinking of the small number of friends I ended up having. Mind you, I love my friends with all my heart and soul, and I am so lucky to have them.  But you know how it is.  Usually when one of your friends can't make it, you turn on to the other, and then the other.  The bigger the pool of friends the more likely you'll find someone to share your experiences in life with.  But if this is not the case, well, truth is that the probability of ending up alone is much bigger, with a friend living abroad, with one sick, with one having another commitment and with the other too tired to come to the wedding, well I ended up going alone, and I actually managed to have fun.  

me and Thea

As time passes, and I am forced to keep living these kind of experiences, I don't know, but somehow, I have these kind of feeling that these are some sort of trials.  You know how they say that everything happens for a reason.  Well, it's like that for me.  Don't know if I am managing to explain myself well, but amidst all the disappointments, I am ultimately finding myself stronger.  You'd ask stronger in what way.  Well it just feels like every time I manage to accomplish something alone, I make a step forward in the direction of my life.  If I keep managing to do loads of things alone, well why can't I make that huge step forward later on, leaving Malta and living abroad, hopefully the States alone?  I know these are small things compared to leaving everyone and everything you know and going to live 7hrs plane away, but it feels like it some sort of training in preparation.

As I said before it's not something which I like doing.  Going into a place alone and looking a bit lost, not sure what to do, not sure where to go, well it's not exactly a nice sight and it is definitely not a nice feeling. Moreover, I'm not really good with starting small talk, starting chatting people up, so it is not the first time that I find myself quite lonely, searching frantically for my mobile phone and texting people, or simply play with it just to have something to do.  But at the end even these pass. At one point, you just settle down and you just try to enjoy yourself.  You just try to make it work.  And so far I have to say I managed, and that is indeed a beautiful achievement for me.  

I always say that I hope that I do not have to relive, once more, similar experiences, and I don't, really, but all in all, it really is through these kind of experiences that you can see your potential, what you are really and truly capable of achieving on your own.  At the end, it is just good to know that you are actually capable of taking care of yourself whatever the circumstances, whatever the situations, that you can always count on you.